Any Moment
by PyramidCalyx
Summary: Bensidy. Moments in their relationship, starting after "Wednesday's Child" (no Noah Porter). *Taking an SVU breather so no updates are planned.*


A/N I am trying a multi-chapter fic for a change. This begins after "Wednesday's Child" and time will jump between chapters. Requests are always welcome (I have part of this planned out but love to hear ideas!). Bensidy, as always, and will be M in the following chapters. Lyrics from "9 To 5". :-)

**1. Letting Go**

_Hindsight's always out to blind you_

_Look ahead and not behind you_

_Look for love and let it find you_

_Let love grow_

Two words begged to be spoken aloud. Two simple words, three innocent syllables. Olivia forced her eyes shut, focusing on the steady breathing beside her, pushing the words from her thoughts. The quiet of the night had come, interrupted by an occasional siren from the desolate streets below. Under normal circumstances, the quietness felt soothing; the flurry of her daily activities had stopped, the moon had risen, the city had hushed. Even the light snoring next to her was usually relaxing. Not tonight, however.

Brian had tiptoed in after midnight. She left a light on for him, knowing he would be late. Two months ago, she would have waited up when he was due home from an undercover operation, but the past several weeks had brought a slight shift in their relationship. She couldn't put her finger on the exact reason for the unravelling of their happiness, mostly because she didn't want to face the hard truth that they had been drifting apart for some time. Brian was sent out as a UC case after case; whenever he was home, she was too busy to notice. Yet he still tried to keep a connection; he left her notes when they missed each other in the morning, always text or called if he knew he would be late, made sure there was food when she came home and crashed after a long, trying case.

Sometimes she felt as though he wanted to air out the tension that he must share, but he never attempted to get her to talk about what had been happening to them. On one hand she wondered if he actually did feel the same distance between them steadily growing; on the other, she realized that he was probably protecting her from being cornered into a serious discussion. Neither of them were forthright in their feelings, she even less so than him. Olivia had pushed all of those emotions aside for so much of her life that now, when she had somebody to come home to, someone who had become more than a fun hook-up, she was unable to express her true feelings. They were buried just below the surface, some days certain and other times more of a confused jumble. She knew in her heart that she held strong feelings for Brian and felt that he was also holding back, not wanting to go out on a limb, fearing it would break if she didn't share what he felt.

Tonight, like too many recent nights, she rolled onto her side and pretended to be asleep when she heard him approaching their bedroom. He whispered goodnight, tenderly kissing her hair, his fingers softly stroking the dark brown tresses. Olivia kept her breathing calm and deep, trying to shoo the chill of guilt that crept into her body. She listened as he got undressed and padded into the en suite bathroom. When the water was running she slowly opened her eyes.

Through the half-closed door, a triangle of warm light was cast across the bedroom floor. Brian stood in his briefs at the sink. She stared at him, suddenly feeling as though she hadn't seen him in months. Even in profile, she could tell he was tired; his face unshaven and haggard. His hair, always slightly askew, stuck out at odd angles, new flecks of silver hiding amongst brown. The muscles in his arm flexed as he brushed his teeth, the light catching the fair hair on his arm. Olivia's gaze descended from his strong chest and down to his hips. She frowned; had he lost weight? A blush crept across her cheeks as her eyes glued themselves to the bulge of his underwear. She realized she couldn't recall the last time she had seen him naked; sex had been the last thing on her mind as their intimacy began to dwindle. Her heart skipped a beat as she now yearned to feel him close to her, to touch his body, to let go. Reality, however, quickly came thundering down.

It had been two months, at the most, since they had been intimate. She shut her eyes as he finished in the bathroom. Mere seconds elapsed between desiring the handsome man now crawling into bed next to her, to fearing the two words she didn't want to say aloud and the conversation that would ensue. She waited for his breathing to even out, for sleep to meet his tired eyes.

She rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling, anxiety wrapping around her like a straitjacket. She couldn't calm her thoughts, couldn't find her way out of her internal maze. The words rested on the tip of her tongue, taunting her. Brian's gentle snoring wasn't enough to distract her from the incessant thoughts, his presence no longer soothing but the cause of her distress. She had spent the entire day fighting herself, analyzing every path the announcement could take them. Somehow the negative results overshadowed the possible positives. The nagging syllables were becoming too much.

"Brian?" she whispered.

He grumbled an acknowledgement before shifting in bed, rolling over to face her. "Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant."

She lay perfectly still, her eyes trained on the ceiling. The room fell silent. Brian sat up, blindly reaching for the lamp beside him. The light made Olivia blink; otherwise, she didn't move.

"That test was wrong?"

She swallowed. "I still didn't feel right, so I saw my doctor this morning. She had the blood test back in a couple of hours. I'm nine weeks."

Time had inched by the entire morning. Olivia tried to throw her focus into the current case the squad was investigating, but both Nick and Fin had noticed her attention lacking and asked if she was okay. Now she longed for time to move slowly once more. Instead, she felt as though everything she knew in her life was about to spontaneously combust. Olivia sat up, her back against the headboard, looking straight ahead. The multiple roads the conversation could take were being closed one by one as neither of them spoke.

This should have been a happy announcement, and she was happy about the pregnancy. She had always dreamed of motherhood, regardless of having a stable partner in the picture; Olivia Benson didn't need a man in her life, just a child. But things had changed; she felt too attached to Brian, despite never verbalizing how much he meant to her. She didn't want to do this alone, but they hadn't discussed having a family. When the home pregnancy test was negative, Brian had sounded relieved. For her, the situation had stirred up countless emotions and longings that she had been ignoring.

Tears pricked her eyes. His silence answered her fears; he didn't want a family. Or perhaps, he didn't want a family with _her_. She had isolated herself from him after her abduction, and again during, and after, the trial of William Lewis. He was patient and caring, but she often became irritated and took every little problem out on him. No wonder he didn't want to take this next step with her; she hadn't even said how she felt about him. With that thought, four new words bubbled to the surface, begging to be freed.

Instead, she hardened her gaze on the opposite wall, trying to keep her breathing even, trying to stop herself from speaking. Her hands gripped the blanket, and she felt the bed move as Brian shifted next to her. She avoided looking at him until the building tension finally came to a head. Her breath caught in her throat as he gently put his hand over her abdomen. She turned her head, blinking back the uncharacteristic tears. He gave her a small, shy smile.

"Olivia," his voice was a raspy whisper. "I'm not ready for this. Not right now."

Her blood went cold, her heart felt as though it had stopped beating. Olivia's eyes widened briefly before narrowing angrily. Of course he wasn't ready. Brian Cassidy would never be ready to finally grow up, what the hell was she thinking? _Why did I even let this relationship go on for this long?_ Her thoughts spat venom as she struggled to piece together a response that would adequately capture her sudden disgust and disappointment with the man beside her.

Brian shook his head quickly, his fingers still caressing her t-shirt covered belly. He chewed his bottom lip for a moment before continuing. "I'm not ready right now, but I will be," he ducked his head to meet her downcast eyes. "I want to do this with you, Liv."

She slowly raised her head, brow furrowed. Brian gave her a gentle grin, his pale eyes hopeful. She turned his words over in her mind. If she were honest, she would admit to not feeling ready either; the past year had been tumultuous both personally and professionally. Was she prepared to embark on this life-changing journey with Brian? Was she ready to sacrifice a piece of her independence by not only brining a child into the world, but also by actively committing to a relationship? Did he fully understand what his decision meant for him? For them?

"I don't want you to feel obligated," Olivia said quietly, looking away. "We haven't exactly been ... close, for a while. I should have said something sooner, but I ..."

Her voice trailed off, and Brian sighed. He took his hand off her abdomen, rubbing his tired face.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I know things haven't been great, but I don't want to lose you," he reached for her hand, squeezing gently. "I meant it, I want to have this baby, have a family, with you. It's not out of obligation, it's ... I just, I-"

"I love you, Brian," she blurted out, still avoiding eye contact.

Brian touched her chin, turning her to face him. He stroked her cheek, a wide smile on his face. "I love you, Liv," he said. "I wanted to tell you for a long time. I just … I just didn't know, I mean, I wasn't sure-"

"If I felt the same way," she finished, a pang of guilt tugging at her heart.

Brian bit his lip, sheepishly lowering his eyes. Olivia put her hand over the one that still rested against her cheek. He looked back up, his pale eyes shimmering, his face an open book. She understood his hesitation; she never let him see the true feelings she held, when his own had been in plain sight. She suddenly felt ashamed for overreacting, for feeling certain that he didn't want a life together, a family.

"I'm sorry, Bri," she said. "I've never been very good at letting people in. You've been so patient and supportive, and I never told you how grateful I am, for everything. I was worried when we started drifting apart because maybe that meant our relationship was ending. I don't want that to happen, but I thought a pregnancy would give you more reason to not want to be with me."

Brian frowned. "Why, Liv? I know we never talked about kids, I mean, we never really talk about anything. And to be honest, I was starting to think fatherhood wasn't gonna happen for me. But I've always wanted a family; the job just took priority," he paused, a knowing grin gracing his lips. "And since it took fifteen years to convince you to go out with me, I kinda had to wait before the family stuff could start."

Olivia laughed, taking his hand off her cheek and kissing his palm. "Seriously? After I was a bitch to you fifteen years ago, you still wanted to settle down with me?"

Brian chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his eyes misty. "It's always been you, Liv."

They stared into each other's eyes, letting true feelings be shown for the first time. Olivia felt the weight of his admission; he had always loved her, always cared, no matter how poorly she treated him. Her happiness now mixed with remorse; she had overlooked him so easily, and now couldn't bear to think about her life without him. What if she had taken a chance fifteen years ago? Where would they be today?

"Doesn't matter how long it took to get here," Brian told her, as if reading her thoughts. "Right now, you and me, that's all that matters. And our baby. Our family."

He rested his hand on her flat stomach once more, his other coming up to wipe the tears that rolled down her cheek. Olivia gave in to the heavy emotions their conversation elicited, allowing herself to lower her remaining defenses. Brian pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head.

"We're gonna do this," he whispered.

Olivia buried her face in his neck, one hand covering his heart. She nodded against his body, speaking through her tears. "Yeah, we are."

He hugged her tight, stroking her hair as her tears slowly subsided. "Can I ask you something?"

Olivia leaned back in his arms. "What?"

"Will you, maybe, try to talk to me, you know, more," Brian paused, trying to find the right words. "I mean, we never just talk about stuff. Us. You always blow me off when I try to, and I think that's part of why we've been so ... out of sync."

He sighed, frustration written across his face. Olivia knew she avoided any discussion during difficult times. She had never lived with a man, never had to compromise or communicate honestly with the person she loved. Secrets were bottled up inside, moments in her life that she was still afraid to share. Brian never pried, but she knew he wondered about her experience with Lewis. That was one secret she tried to blot out in her memory, but hadn't yet escaped its binds.

"You're right," she began slowly, shifting to sit cross-legged beside Brian. "Our communication needs some work. I ... I don't want to drift apart again, Bri. Especially when we're starting a family."

"But?"

Olivia smiled; he knew her better than she thought. "But, I may need time before I can open up about some things," she took his hand, intertwining their fingers. "But I will try harder. I promise."

Brian nodded. "I guess tonight was a good start."

"Can I ask _you_ something?"

He smirked. "Anything."

Olivia looked down at their joined hands for a moment, before raising her eyes to meet his. "Spend the weekend with me?" she asked sweetly.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be, sweetheart."

Olivia felt a thrill of happiness that she had been missing. The couple shared a loving gaze, both of them grinning. Brian leaned forward, his fingers stroking her cheek, eyes still locked with hers. Olivia unconsciously held her breath as he captured her lips in a soft kiss. She relaxed against him, relishing the intimate contact, surprised by how strongly she had been longing for it. Relief also swept through her mind; she could feel the buzz of attraction arcing between their bodies like an electric current, bringing with it reassurance that Brian most definitely was still as attracted to her as he had been when they first met.

"I love you," he murmured, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I love you, too, Bri," she breathed, smiling as she felt butterflies upon hearing and speaking the foreign phrase. "We haven't spent any time together for so long. I ... I miss you. And I know you don't like planning ahead, but there's a lot to start thinking about."

Brian chuckled, kissing her forehead as he pulled away. "Yeah, yeah. I'm okay with that. I'm more mature than you think, Liv," he grinned. "Come here."

He lay down on his side, motioning for her to get back under the blankets. Olivia smirked, sliding beside him and laying on her back. Brian turned off the lamp and wrapped his arm around her. He nuzzled her neck, making her smile. She adjusted his arm so his hand rested on her abdomen, her fingers laced with his.

"I've missed you too, Liv."

Olivia felt her cheeks flush, her eyes wet with happy tears. A weight had been lifted, a secret unburdened. She decided to let go; she put her trust in Brian, consciously choosing to let him into her heart. Years of misgivings about men had led her to a lonely, solitary life. Yet, at the same time, her relationship errors had led her to the man she had truly fallen in love with. She let out a deep breath, tightening her grasp on Brian's hand. For the first time in her life, the future looked bright. There were countless details that had yet to be discussed, and no doubt more compromises to be made, but as Olivia drifted into a peaceful sleep, she felt prepared to face the future as part of a united front, a family.


End file.
